Judging from the sales of the bestseller "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother",
many parents seem to have taken to the perfectionistic parenting
philosophy of the author, Amy Chua, but not realising that there could
be a flip (and detrimental) side to it.
Writing in The Wall Street Journal, Chua disclosed that in raising up her two daughters Sophia and Louisa, she forbade them to "get any grade less than an A" or to "not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama".
"Chinese
parents can order their kids to get straight As. Western parents can
only ask their kids to try their best. Chinese parents can say, "You're
lazy. All your classmates are getting ahead of you."" wrote Chua in The Wall Street Journal.
"Chinese
parents demand perfect grades because they believe that their child can
get them. If their child doesn't get them, the Chinese parent assumes
it's because the child didn't work hard enough. That's why the solution
to substandard performance is always to excoriate, punish and shame the
child. The Chinese parent believes that their child will be strong
enough to take the shaming and to improve from it."
Now, Chua
may have succeeded in raising her two daughters this way, but one
should be cautious about emulating her, as highlighted by a recent case
in Singapore.
Recently, a straight-As student who attended a top
school in Singapore committed suicide over scoring two Bs in her GCE "O"
levels, reported Singaporean daily, The New Paper.
The
GCE "O" levels is the final exam for teenage secondary school students
in Singapore and except for two Bs - in English and Mathematics - the
student had scored distinctions for her other subjects.
The only child left a note for her parents: "Mum, I am sorry for being a disappointment. I should have done better."
"Dad, I am sorry you will not have the chance to walk me down the (church) aisle to give me away."
The teenager jumped to her death just three hours after learning of her results.
To add to the tragedy, three months after the 16-year-old had plunged to her death, the teen's mother also killed herself.
According
to Madam Ng Siang Mui, the grandmother of the teenager, the teen's
mother had been grief-stricken and guilt-ridden over her granddaughter's
death.
The teen's parents used to fight over
their daughter's education. The mum wanted to push her to excel and her
dad felt that the child should be left alone.
Said Madam Ng, "My Xiao Mei (her granddaughter's nickname) was always affected whenever her parents fought over her studies."
"My
son-in-law felt very sorry for his daughter. He used to approach me to
help him talk to my daughter, to ask her not to push Xiao Mei too hard.
He felt that they should let Xiao Mei be, as she was a good girl."
"Whenever
I tried to broach the issue with my daughter, she'd get angry and tell
me not to interfere with the way she wanted to bring her child up."
"She
often compared Xiao Mei's results with those of her friends' children
and would ask, 'How come so and so can do this and you cannot?'"
Xiao Mei's mother wanted her to get into medical school.
Madam Ng said that a month after Xiao Mei's death, her father moved out.
"That broke my daughter's heart. I think it was then that she, too, gave up living."
Madam Ng recalled the conversation she had with her daughter a day before she killed herself.
"She
told me, 'Ma, I shouldn't have pressurised Xiao Mei in her studies. You
didn't do that to us when we were young and we all turned out fine'."
According to The New Paper, Xiao Mei's father is now mentally unstable and seeking psychiatric help.
Madam
Ng was originally reluctant to speak to the media, but changed her mind
later because she hoped that sharing their story could help save lives.
It should be highlighted that Xiao Mei is Chinese, and her profile fits that which Amy Chua had written in the The Wall Street Journal about children raised in Chinese homes.
That
said, although Chua esteems the draconian Chinese approach in pushing
their children to achieve academically, it's clear from Xiao Mei's case
that there is a detrimental aspect of it, which Chua did not mention in
her book.
Above: Amy Chua (author of Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother) with Hillary Clinton (Source: Facebook)
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